Mirror, Mirror: What Our Reflection Says To Us And 5 Ways To Flip The Script
Dear daughter,
I notice you checking your body in the mirror. I do that, too. What are we checking for?
We know that we are in this world. We don’t need a mirror to confirm this truth. Our senses work just fine. We can smell the odors coming from our house: the pot of freshly brewed coffee and the scented candle at the kitchen sink. Our vision is clear. We can see the thin layer of dust on the furniture and the stack of books that need to fit into backpacks. Our sense of touch is fully functioning. Our fingers, brushing on our skin, can feel the rough spots that need lotion and the patch of hair we forgot to shave at our knee. The taste buds on our tongues are fine-tuned to distinguish flavors. We can taste the orange juice, fresh-squeezed from the fruit in the side yard and the chocolate chip waffles with the real maple syrup Dad made while we slept in. Our ears capture sound waves, hearing the dog barking next door and the cartoon voices coming from the living room.
Why do we need a mirror? What is it really able to tell us that we don’t already know?
This inanimate object offers no judgement. It’s our mind that turns the reflected image into a weapon against us. Our mind believes our culture: that the shape of us determines how we fit into this world. That the size of us defines our worth.
“In a mirror, we see a colorful image, but we interpret its meaning as black and white, good or bad, worthy or unworthy, right or wrong, failure or success. ”
We might think to smash the mirror into pieces to match the fracturing we feel inside. That’s one option, but it would end in us having a mess on our hands and no real path forward.
Running away from the mirror and our image is an option. This might look like AVOIDING:
wearing clothes that reveal your flaws
people who might comment on your appearance
being photographed
places where appearance is emphasized - school dances, holiday parties or formal occasions
Avoidance feels safe at first. But it eventually results in loneliness and isolation. What started out as a fix leads to a self-imposed prison.
Okay, so we aren’t going to go around smashing every mirror (cathartic but destructive). And, we aren’t going to run and hide (fine at first but life-limiting in the end). So what CAN we do to change the story about our reflection and the relationship with our image? How can we look beyond the mirror and care for the form that lives and breathes in the real world?
Five ideas for flipping the script on our body image:
Refer to your body in a tender, loving, humanizing way: “My body is here for me, she’s doing her best.”
Write affirming messages on your mirrors that describe facts about your body and her function - free from critical judgement of physical appearance. Say something that could hold up in a court of law. My nose helps me smell. My neck supports my head.
Set a timer. Spend a brief moment (<10 minutes) in front of the mirror getting ready for the day and then make a plan not to look at your appearance until you brush your teeth at bedtime.
If you have a urge to check your appearance as a reassurance about your looks or a nagging mental what-if (such as: “What if my hair is out of place? What if my makeup is smudged?”). Stop. Notice the thoughts and urges. Accept that they occur. Let your consciousness move away and focus on other things.
Beyond the reflection in the mirror, do something special and purposeful to improve your relationship with your body. This can be something very basic like brushing your teeth twice a day, using a nail or cuticle clipper to remove your hangnail instead of biting or pealing it off, or rubbing lotion on your elbows. Feeling bold? Try something out of the ordinary like having an impromptu dance party in the kitchen while unloading the dishwasher, tracing your hand on a piece of paper and decorating the image with color and texture (glitter!), letting a younger sibling paint your fingernails or “do” your hair.
As always, daughter, please remember: you don’t have to do this work alone. There’s power in numbers and peace in partnership.
Inspired by my life experiences and content from The Body Image Workbook