It's Not You. It's Burnout.
Burnout is a trending topic right now.
I suppose it has always been a thing since the beginning of the industrial revolution, anyway. Once folks had electricity to power light bulbs, the option for the endless workday presented itself.
And, in my line of work, there’s a special kind of burnout that has to do with eating. Can I just say that so many people (including me) are burned out on meal planning, grocery-shopping, and food prep by now!
Let me start out with: We don’t choose burnout. No one orders a side of burnout or impulse buys “2 burnouts for the price of one!” Most of us don’t even see burnout coming until it’s a thin film that coats our outside and a shadowy heaviness within.
We may get caught up in trying to find out “Who’s to blame?!” Placing blame feels skillful but is rarely useful. It’s the thing we do when we don’t know what to do.
Burnout may not be avoidable, but need not be judged. With practice, burnout can be caught early and its negative effects minimized. It may even be a useful teaching tool.
This post is for you if you live in a culture or within a power structure that makes avoiding burnout impossible.
So, you think you're in burnout mode. How do you know for sure?
Here are a few things that may tip you off (my version):
You can no longer tolerate little things. The chewing sounds from your family members at mealtime (even from the cute toothless one) puts you on edge.
The sound of the bathroom fan being left “on” ignites feelings of outrage and exasperation.
No joy. Your creative and playful side can only roll her eyes at your favorite hobby or game.
Your body speaks up with physical signs. The trusty GI tract that has always worked like clockwork has screeched to a halt and a headache lingers in the background of your eyeballs.
You can’t find the motivation to even binge watch the next season of your favorite show.
You are unable to concentrate on the story your son wrote. Granted, there are so many “and then he” and not a single punctuation mark, but, come on, cute stories naming ALL the Pokemon characters never felt this torturous.
Your burnout may look and feel different, but you get the picture.
What to do? What to do?
Call it out:
Family text thread - Everyone! I’m burned out. I am in survival mode. It’s not you after all! It’s BURNOUT.
Accept it:
Okay, burnout, I see you. Now that you have my attention, what are you asking of me?
Care and Repair:
Ask for help: Someone is waiting for you to ask them for help. I promise.
Slow down and rest: Let all the unnecessary obligations fall away. Let some of the necessary obligations fall away, too. They probably belong in the unnecessary category anyway.
Soothe: Stand up and stretch. Notice any tension your body is holding and go to that place to see if you can let just a bit (or all) of it go.
Re-evaluate: Take your standards and bring them as far down as you possibly can. Then, give them to your best friend (or one of your children) and they will take your adorable standards down a few more notches.
Laugh: at a random tv show, comic strip, or cute animal videos.
Cry: at a sad song or a good story.
Step outside: Breathe in the fresh air, look up at the sky, and scan the horizon. These behaviors structure safety and brings you out of fight/flight/freeze.
Connect with a friend (or the grocery check out worker): You are not alone in this.
Eat and drink according to the clock; especially if your day seems unstructured or you can no longer recognize a cadence because IT’S THE SAME DAY ON REPEAT.
Work smarter not harder when it comes to feeding yourself and your family. Order take out. Heat up a frozen meal. Open a can of soup. Pour a bowl of cereal.
Set Boundaries: practice the art of saying no.
Turn to a higher power. Try prayer. Nothing too fancy. Nothing too quiet, either. My favorite prayer in a burnout situation looks like calling out, “Help me! I can’t do this alone!” And although it may appear to your human eyes that only your dog takes note, coming to you, laying beside you, bearing witness, I believe there is a Greater Love, a Holy Mystery at work in this world who/that takes note as well. And, even though you may not “see” any immediate effects, asking for help to something beyond yourself is a way of admitting that you are not the center of the universe. It’s comforting and liberating. Also, crying out for help has a wonderfully jarring effect on the children - see, I’m NOT superhuman, children. I’m quite weak, so please go easy on old mom.
The bigger truth here is that the structures upon which our work expectations are built often set employees up to work longer and harder at the expense of their mental and physical health. The fuller story here is that the aspirational strivings to be the “good mothering” and a “woman who has it all” set us up to be preoccupied with the pursuit of perfection.
These all end in suffering and burnout.
With all that, I’m going to say something that feels true as I write this post. I'm not sure why, but I feel defensive for a certain level of burnout. I understand the desire to fully avoid it. But, as a word of compassion and encouragement, I've personally learned about my edges and values and grown into my true self post-burnout. On the other side of suffering, I’ve glimpsed a bigger picture of how the world works, giving me the view point to see broken areas in the system (not within me).
Once we recover from our burnout, let’s start to think about ways to dismantle the system while preserving our selves. Together.